Caiman....Caiman....Caiman Crocodilus, as the Latin name goes. If you are familiar with this crocodilian you would know that they are not indigenous to the United States, which means they do not roam the U.S. "naturally," and it should STAY that way. You would think "who on this earth would be THAT ignorant as to actually search for this 5ft (oh, sorry, that's the DWARF caiman's size....) lizard that will require the minimum space of the average BACK YARD and IF you were that retarded as to get close enough in it's vicinity to see you, that it would look at you as an appetizer?" (and believe me, it's not going to be a lap dog. We're not even talking the miniscule docile capability of a Nile monitor, these things are livid, not the Pringle's eating croc you see on TV)

Well, anyway, here I am, lil ol me, walking into my usual Pet Shop needing cute little baby mice to feed my vicious bearded dragons and a MIA Mangrove Monitor, when what do I see in the display? CAIMANS! Bout 9 inches long if that, lurking in the water, their eyes covered with the film they acquire to protect their iris while in water, crickets hopping on the log that pokes up a bit.. Probably far from being handled by the only two smart people who work there, but I had to ask....Clara pretty much understood what I was saying when I muttered "Caiman???...Caimans????". She just pointed to the tall, sheepish man by the reptile rack system, who was doing some sort of inventory to find out what to order or find.

The same order that is probably like 50 anoles, 20 green iguanas, 10 house geckos...and...oh yeah, 2 caimans??? The same STUPID moron with the fake, STUPID, British accent and about 5 STUPID different stories to go along with it, ordering STUPID, dangerous reptiles that no one in this town could possibly be STUPID enough to buy, unless, of course, they wanted to eat it....

Oh...but am I wrong...

You see, Springfield is the proud home of the second largest college campus in state, called SMSU...or Southwest Missouri State University. Which means, much like myself, many pre-educated idiots running around in a coed fury saying things like "ghetto" and "wack" and walking around with their groupie friends who without, they are lost.

Not a week later I come in to purchase more sweet little pinkie mice to feed to my ferocious Bearded dragons and recently found Mangrove Monitor, but there are a bunch of Ambercrombie shirts blocking the door. So I push my way through about 5 19-22 year old guys who are all hovering around the caiman tank, all muttering things like "So dude, what do we gotta feed this thing?" and "Is this gonna last the half hour drive back home without water?" as little Chomper there is being put in a Styrofoam box, and with poor Paul trying to close the box before Chomper jumps up and bites his fingers off. Mean while, Skippy and his group of friends are all excited and carrying a parakeet cage, which I hoped to God that was not going to be Chomper's home. (because, we all know that reptiles only grow as big as their habitat they are in....really...)

Not a few days later and Chomper's friend was also bought, leaving the store once again Caiman-less, the way all pet shops should be.

So there is the past/present of it. But what do you think Skippy is going to do, when he realizes that Lil' Chomper there has a "wicked" URI, probably will have very low humidity and extremely dry skin, and can eat the cage he was put in. After the nice wire tooth picks, will escape and probably will eat the family cat, maybe even man's best friend, assuming it's not a Bull Mastiff, and then moves in on Skippy himself. Then Lil Chomper there is set free in good Ol' Springfield, probably on Campus too, as some sort of sick preppy joke. "Dude, think he'll survive if you let him loose near Kimball and see how long it takes for the cops to catch it? That would be soooo wack man. That Lizard is Ghetto." In which I would pray it's the same "cop" that has hassled the pet shop prior to this...

Or, we will have some aspiring Steve Irwin's running around, hurling themselves onto the croc and getting slashed up by 4 inch claws, just as Steve Irwin often does but oh, they won’t show that on tv..."Look at Lil Chomper there, by cri-key he's a swift one! Ou, look at him chewing off Skippy's arm! It's a raaaaare sight we are seeing tonight! Cri-key! Now he's just layin there, belly all full, flat out like a lizard drinking! Ha!"

But no...He'll probably be dropped off back where he came from, and Mr. Stupid British guy will find a tank to cram him in and charge ridiculous prices for something that's probably illegal to have in this sad, sad place. And being exposed to Musak all day, Lil Chomper will probably go psycho and someone eat everyone, leaving me walking in to get cute little mice for my Mangrove monitor and for my thinner, horrifyingly terrifying bearded dragons for their weekly pig out, and probably become eaten too. I don't know if I am even blaming the right person, but there has to be someone to blame, so, lift up your glass of green beer, and with your other hand, give the one finger salute...to the british guy..

Comments? Got a beef of your own? Email me! This may not be a corner in Hyde Park, but maybe we can work something out.

Last updated: 10 March 2001. Copyright 1999-2009.