Was there ever anything more specifically designed to drive a person nuts?

Sure, there have been a number of studies done (probably all by the makers and pimps of Muzak!) regarding the "beneficial" effects of nonstop music on retail customers. But has anyone ever done a study focusing on the effects of nonstop music on store employees?

Obviously not.

They play the same, what, thirty songs?, over and over and over and over. And then some. We're not talking a couple of days here, people. We're talking months. It's ridiculous. What does one have to do to get a fresh tune in there? A frigging Act of Congress? Buy the frigging Muzak company? What?

It wouldn't be so bad if I liked the music. But it's such a mishmash of crap. I mean really, if I hate that stupid-ass song about kissing some idiot chick because she likes barley (and what the hell is that all about, anyway?) during one hearing, I'm gonna hate it all nine million times I'm forced to listen to it.

And make no mistake, I am forced to listen. For a little over 8.5 hours a day, Monday through Friday, I am forced to listen to Muzak. We are not permitted to turn it off, even when the store is closed. It must run twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. That makes no sense to me. This is a pet store, people. The animals need to sleep. And they hate the stupid-ass barley-babe song too. Never doubt it.

There are moments, during my day in Muzak Hell, when I simply want to smash things. I get sick to death of that stupid "moving train" song. I hear the first few bars of certain tunes and want to vomit. This crap even plays through our phone system, nauseating anyone on hold.

It's not just our store. Go into practically any restaurant here, any grocery store, anywhere at all, and you're flung headlong into the same hell. It certainly doesn't make my shopping experience more pleasant. I sure as hell don't want to linger! I want to run screaming out of the place, purchases scattered across the floor. And forget trying to dine out! I am not going to try to choke down food while listening to Muzak! That would be a case of "what's going down meets what's coming up."

I would dearly love to trap our upper management in one of the stores for more than, oh, say, two minutes at a time. I would dearly love to force them into forty hours of Muzak Hell.

Betcha five bucks the Muzak contract would be cancelled in ten minutes or less....

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Last updated: 3 January 2001. Copyright 1999-2009.